Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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