we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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