Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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