I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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