i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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