I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
