just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
