My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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