if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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