I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
nutella sex= disaster
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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