My sheets look like a crime scene.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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