if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
