I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You smell like a Billy Joel song
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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