New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
