Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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