I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
