there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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