I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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