So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So much rum. So many feels.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
