I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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