my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
