I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
