I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
