Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
