Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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