All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
