totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
