i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
