OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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