Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
