Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
