She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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