I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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