Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
