We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
