I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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