She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When are your genitals available?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
