sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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