her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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