the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
