I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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