my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
