God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
