you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
