John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
