I met the friendliest cop last night
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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