Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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