Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
