Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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