It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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