bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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