im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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