How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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