If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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