I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
