I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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