I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
