the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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