Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
