why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
