walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
