i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
