Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
