Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
