I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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