I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
