I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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