I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
