I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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