I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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