a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
